Growing Up as the Daughter of a Firefighter
By: Emily Klarke
The frequent wail of fire engine sirens defined my childhood, a sound that often interrupted family dinners at the firehouse due to emergency calls. It was the backdrop to countless holidays spent with fellow firefighter families who became my extended family. Even now, the sound of sirens instantly evokes vivid memories of my unique upbringing as a child of a first responder. Growing up as the child of a firefighter, I was immersed in a world of courage, sacrifices, traditions, and unwavering community service. This upbringing not only provided a front row seat to the realities of heroism but also profoundly shaped my values, my understanding of the world, and ultimately the person that I have become.
My childhood was filled with unique joys directly stemming from my father's profession. These included the excitement of dinners spent at the firehouse, the thrill of riding the fire engine to pass out candy canes at Christmas, and the laughter echoing through summer camping trips with our close-knit community of firefighter families. I always felt like my dads crew was a part of my extended family, especially when they would all show up to my basketball games during their shift to cheer me on.
However, I quickly realized my childhood was unique compared to my friends. The consistency of their parents being home nightly and for all holidays stood in stark contrast to my experience. Early Christmas celebrations became a normal part of our lives, accommodating my dad's job. I also remember understanding from a young age that my dads job is dangerous and there was always an underlying fear that my dad may not come home from one of his shifts. My mom did an amazing job shielding us from some of the harsh realities of my dads job, but I was an observant child, and I was able to pick up on times when my mom would be stressed about a call that my dad was currently on. There were also times when my dad would come home injured, which would cultivate feelings of anxiety. While these realities of the job were clear to me, I also never wanted to talk about my fears because I never wanted to be a burden to my family.
Growing up, my feelings about my dad's career were always complex. On one hand, I saw him as a hero, absolutely in awe when I heard stories of him and his crew rescuing children from a burning building. Yet, I also witnessed the heavy burden he carried. There were times he'd come home from a tough shift, quiet and withdrawn, needing space to process a 'bad call.' It was heartbreaking to see him in pain, knowing he had given his all, but still wrestled with an almost impossible standard he set for himself.
There is an immense emotional cost when your career revolves around helping individuals on what may be the “worst day of their lives”. When you're constantly navigating tragedies it is hard to leave all the fears at the station. Throughout my dads career he would strive to protect our family from all the tragedies he encountered at work. This led to a very strict and protective upbringing for me and my siblings. My parents were ultra cautious about who we could hang out with, activities that we would attend, and as we got older very strict curfews. At the time these rules seemed drastic and overbearing, but looking back I see it as my parents protecting us from the dangers that they knew existed and that my dad witnessed firsthand. But, without meaning to, that constant awareness of threats made me super vigilant too, causing me to always think about what 'bad things' could arise in any situation. There is value in having a plan and being prepared, but when it impedes on daily function, it can become harmful. Over time I have learned to refocus my negative thoughts and not assume the worst of people. I accomplished this by challenging my thoughts and asking myself “what evidence do I have to be feeling this way”. Time and time again I would be able to prove my thoughts wrong, which allowed me to let go of some of the anxiety and stress I was feeling.
Growing up, conversations about mental health weren't common, even within my family. I often masked my anxiety, calling it a "bad stomach ache." Looking back, I now see the incredible difference therapy could have made for all of us. My father's demanding career meant he often carried the weight of traumatic experiences home, unintentionally impacting our family. While we didn't have the tools then to navigate that secondary trauma, it's inspiring to see how far we've come. Now, as a Fire Chief, my father is a strong advocate for mental health professionals working directly with individuals in high-stress and traumatic careers. My mother also actively advocates for first responder spouses to connect with professionals who understand the unique challenges of a first responder's spouse. Lastly, I know firsthand how observant children are; providing outlets like therapy for them to process their fears can be extremely beneficial, a resource I wish I'd had. There are also simple techniques that parents can use when their child is feeling anxious. These techniques can include finger breathing, drawing their feelings, and positive self talk.
The growing awareness and proactive steps being taken today truly offer a brighter path forward for families like mine.
If you or someone you care about is considering counseling, Valor Counseling Center is ready to help you take that important next step. We provide support through individual counseling as well as a First Responder Spousal Group.
