A Few Ways to Cultivate a Healthy First Responder Marriage

By: Ashley Wright, LCMHCS

Marriage is fun and it can also be hard. Couples can come into their relationship with unprocessed trauma, unhealthy expectations, addiction, lack of empathy or the skills to self-regulate. We are selfish individuals by nature. Marriage can quickly become less than fun and more frustrating. Maybe not immediately, but when responsibilities increase, so does the stress. In addition, unexpected events can occur throwing the couple’s hopes down the drain.

In a first responder marriage, the stakes are even higher. It doesn’t mean a responder’s relationship is more important, but it is different than most. It requires the ability to nurture the abnormal. If you’re already 10, 20, or just a few years into your first responder marriage, it’s never too late to begin initiating some of these helpful tips.

I think it’s vital to mention too that of every person on this earth, after a relationship with God, your marriage is the most important. Your spouse is the priority. Your other half. Together you are “one”. It can be hard to do this in a first responder family because the job is so demanding, and it can often feel like more of the priority. But I would quickly argue- it’s very doable if you are intentional. Like training on a regular basis to use your firearm, or staying in shape, or practicing with your work equipment and learning new skills, so is investing into your marriage. You must do the work!

Here are some practical things to implement in a first responder marriage on a regular basis:

1. CONNECT.

a. Make space every day to talk, catch-up, and say “I love you”. Even if it is a quick phone call or sometimes even a text saying you will call as soon as you can, making this connection is key. If you’re on a work call and the hours are late, shoot your spouse a text telling them you love them and will see them soon. Healthy expectations though folks- sometimes your responder CAN’T call…it doesn’t mean that don’t love you. They have a job that many couldn’t do…be patient and be supportive.

b. Carve out time to go on a date. Ideally once per week, but at least a few times a month. Money tight? Connect with another responder family and work out a shared babysitting routine. Most responders and responder kids love this kind of community.

c. Go for a 30-minute walk and hold hands. Light candles and put the kids down. Get creative and enjoy time together. It doesn’t have to be expensive.

d. Finally, work hard to get away at least once per year together (ideally twice if you can). Take a weekend trip alone and turn work off.

2. BUILD COMMUNITY.

Community makes a huge difference. Finding a first responder community is great. An outside civilian group is helpful too. Who is your tribe when the crap hits the fan? If there were an emergency, what friends would step up and do a meal train or help with your kids and pets? We were made for connection. Just make sure it’s healthy community. A group that constantly drinks alcohol and bashes their significant others is not helpful. A group that is choosing to go to church regularly, play as a family, turns work off, etc. is a good thing to have in your life.

3. REST TOGETHER.

a. Take breaks and rest at home or go for a hike.

b. Turn your phones off!

c. Sit together on the porch at night.

d. Go to bed at the same time when you can.

e. Nap together when you can (if you have kids, it’s okay for everyone to have a quiet time in their rooms for an hour or so and rest as a family).

f. *Speaking of rest- responders really need a good 30-45 minutes to decompress after a shift. Giving them that space is important.

4.  MAKE INTIMACY A PRIORITY.

I know what many are thinking about this one. The guys are like, “Yes, please” and the ladies are rolling their eyes. That is usually the majority. Sometimes both partners would say this is a strong area for them or sometimes the wife is a little more interested. Both emotional and physical intimacy takes work and need to be prioritized. And sex with your partner is a good thing! Unfortunately, intimacy is a common conflict in marriage and can quickly divide the relationship.

I would say, seeking healthy counsel here is important if needed. There are some great resources available when it comes to healthy intimacy. The key is to not give up and if one partner is better at emotional intimacy and the other prefers physical, that is okay! Lean in together and work hard at both. I often say, women are like an oven, we need time to warm up. Men are like a microwave, ready in 30 seconds. We’re just wired differently in most cases.

*I will also mention that if addiction or impulsiveness has been a part of the relationship this can absolutely make things harder and seeking counsel is a must. In addition, anger, amongst other emotions will put a wall up. Stay-tuned for a whole blog on intimacy in marriage because it’s such a huge topic to unpack in almost every marriage!

5. WORK ON YOURSELF.

In our church marriage class, Re-Engage, we often say, “stay in your circle”. What this means is you will often be tempted to point a finger, blame, get in your head about what your partner is not doing for you, etc. The truth is we can only control ourselves. If you are working on you and putting your oxygen mask on, you will most likely be more secure, less anxious, less angry, and more regulated to face the hard stuff like a spouse who is working 24 hour shifts and seems disconnected. Stay in your circle and when you need to address something hard in the marriage, approach it calmly with love, honesty, and without accusation and more so curiosity. For example,

“I’ve noticed lately that we haven’t had much time to connect. I would love to go for a walk when you’re available or rested? Or perhaps we could make time to watch a show tonight and snuggle? I can go pick up a dessert for after dinner?”

Vs

“I’m so mad right now because I have been doing all of the housework and all you want to do is play video games. I feel ignored and like you don’t care about our relationship at all. We need to go to marriage counseling.”

6. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S JOB.

I can’t tell you how many couples I work with who don’t understand a day in the life of their spouse at work. Whether you are a first responder couple, or one is a responder and the other has a civilian job (also being a stay at home mom is a full time position), understanding what you spouse does during the week is important. Why? I’m glad you asked!

a. It cultivates empathy and understanding.

b. It brings awareness.

c. It helps us serve one another better.

d. We work better as a team.

e. We are more attuned to one another’s needs when things are stressful.

f.  We get to know their work family better which helps us feel more connected.

Being married to a first responder can be a really fun as a family because you can attend community events or participate in work experiences with other responder families. The responder community is unique and so special. I would highly recommend leaning into this and talk about ways you can show-up for one another.

Sometimes a simple connection point can be asking, “Can you tell me more about your job and what you are doing lately?” Or even asking occasionally, “Hey, how is work going and what are you dreaming about lately?” This is such a gift in marriage to be able to lean into each other’s worlds and walk through life together.

7. Keep Strong Boundaries.

Boundaries are simply a way to know your “no’s”. For my responder and I, we don’t hide anything. We have each other’s passwords, and we don’t keep secrets unless someone has asked us to keep it confidential and it doesn’t affect our relationship or cause harm to someone else. If we have to talk to someone of the opposite sex via text, we keep it about work related things only (unless it is family). We also never ride in the car alone with the opposite sex (unless it’s family again). As a police officer, this has been hard because my husband has trained females many times. In those cases, I know when this is happening, and he is open about their rides together. Also, he never talks about personal things with her. For me, I work with men all the time in the counseling office. Our conversations are about mental health and wellness, and I bring up my own marriage when appropriate because I want to be authentic and I also want them to know I’m committed. Boundaries are sometimes non-negotiables and sometimes they change over time. I highly recommend reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries. It is a must-have for every adult!

Wrapping-up, marriage really does take continual work. No one will ever reach perfection because we are broken individuals. If you were to rate your marriage today, on a scale of 1-10 what would it be (10 be the best it’s ever been)? I would check-in and create time with your spouse to talk about what changes you’d like to implement. It’s not going to happen overnight, but studies show that on-going conversations that are curious versus criticizing will do wonders for your relationship! Start somewhere. Your first responder marriage is unique and special. Remaining strong as a team is key!

What’s your mission for your marriage? Like an operation, go into it with the best tactics.

Ashley